September 13, 2019
Does forcing our children to share their toys teach them to be generous?
In early childhood, usually in the first three years, children have great difficulty in situating themselves from a perspective other than their own. This happens because they are going through a strongly egocentric stage of development, in which they focus on themselves to learn more about who they are, discover their preferences and how to communicate. It is an initial stage of socialization in which they need to learn to share.
In this context, many conflicts arise over sharing toys. You may have witnessed a situation where small children are playing and suddenly start fighting over the same object. This usually ends with one of them crying because they didn't get the toy they wanted so much.
When parents witness this, they often intervene in the conflict, forcing their child to share his or her toy with another child, even if the child indicates that he or she does not want to do so. In certain cases, when the child still refuses to share the object even when the adult imposes it, the parent ends up taking the toy from the child's hands and giving it to the other child. But are we teaching children to be generous in this way?
Why not?are they forcing children to share their toys?
When we adults share something, we are generally taking into account the needs of others. What happens is that children are often not ready to do this. In the egocentric stage, children are unable to consider others, which means that it is very difficult for them to share their toys. Many times, we end up demanding this from them before they are ready to do so.
Parents should not force their children to share their toys, as many believe is the best thing to do, because forcing them to share does not teach them the lessons we would like them to learn . The only thing they can learn is that if they cry hard enough, they will get what they want, even if the toy is already with someone else.
Therefore, it is important to understand the limitations of this phase, having realistic expectations, and being more respectful and understanding with children in these situations. Adjusting what we expect from them helps us not to be afraid of feeling embarrassed in front of other adults when our children refuse to share their toys, since other parents often expect us to take action when we witness a dispute.
How will our childrenor learn to be generous?
Our goal is for children to become generous people who are able to understand and respond to the needs of others. So, in order for them to learn how to deal with these situations, we need to provide them with resources. We can encourage children to take turns, so that they can self-regulate their turns with the toys. In other words, let them decide how long they want to play for, and then let them take the initiative to hand the object over to the other child to play with. This makes it possible for them to understand that crying does not mean they will get the toy and that in some situations it is necessary to wait a little to get it.
We can also encourage the child who is holding the object to tell the other that he or she is playing with it at that moment. This will help the child to use language, rather than body language, in an attempt to resolve the conflict and not be passive in the face of a situation that has made him or her uncomfortable.
Letting children try to resolve the conflict on their own, autonomously (as long as it is not a violent conflict) is important, because doing so, over time, will teach them that they do not need to share toys thinking about the punishments they may receive from their parents, but rather to share them with the intention of making the other person happy, helping them learn about generosity.