March 18, 2019
Praise is a demonstration of love, but do we understand what is involved in it?
“I’m so proud! I was glad to see it.” When talking to their children, it is common to hear parents give praise as a way to motivate their children to behave in a certain way that they want. Praise can also be used as a resource to meet expectations of the child. In other words, they convey, even if unconsciously, the notion that this practice increases the self-esteem of the children.
However, psychologists and parenting educators claim that self-esteem is not something that can be given or transferred to children, but rather developed by them through a sense of ability and self-confidence, when faced with problems that need to be solved and opportunities to learn from their own mistakes. In this context, do compliments really contribute to this development in children?
The value of compliments
When we praise our children frequently, they may start to want to feel accepted and important more and more. When they realize that they get this by pleasing an adult and making them happy, they may enter a cycle of dependence on the approval of others, establishing the idea that feeling “approved” also means feeling loved .
It is important to emphasize that praise is a demonstration of love. As such, it is important and should be valued. However, when we only use this strategy or use it too frequently, the child may understand that he or she will only be recognized if he or she receives approval.
How about encouraging children too?
So what can we do? We can use encouraging words that are focused on the child rather than the adult – a practice known as encouragement . For example, “Look at the progress you’ve made!” or “You must be so proud of your efforts.”
To strengthen a child's self-esteem, we need to talk about the subject and ask about their feelings. This way, they can have the opportunity to think and feel without depending on external opinions, building self-confidence. By acting in this way, the adult stops making an assessment (good or bad) and highlights the child's effort and ability .
Children do not depend on their parents’ acceptance to feel loved when, instead of praising their personality, we encourage their attitudes and efforts. In other words, they begin to understand that their caregivers’ love is not conditional on their approval. Thus, they feel comfortable using various internal resources to deal with possible problems and frustrations without clinging to labels (such as “smart” or “obedient,” for example).
Can you tell the difference?
Praise is linked to the agent: it expresses a favorable judgment, an approval of the child after completing a task or their behavior. From this, the child understands that he or she pleased someone and ends up feeling good about it, creating a certain dependence on the opinion of others.
With encouragement, we stimulate and incentivize the child in an action carried out by him/her, making it clear that there are different choices that can be made and that he/she is fully capable of making them. This promotes, in the long term, the development of autonomy , self-confidence and a sense of self-worth .