November 25, 2019
What does it really mean to educate children using this approach?
Raising children has never been an easy task, and there has been increasing discussion about the paths we take to ensure this happens in a respectful and affectionate manner. Without a doubt, those responsible for this role try to do the best they can when educating children, but in this process, countless doubts arise and, often, we look for alternatives to avoid authoritarian education and, at the same time, not fall into the other extreme of being permissive . So, how can we educate them in a firm manner, while being respectful and kind?
One of the educational theories that has been much discussed today is Positive Discipline . Developed by psychologist, educator and mother of 7 children, Jane Nelsen, this approach is still understood by many as an education without rules and limits. However, it has been gaining more and more ground, being defended by those who have put its principles into practice. So, after all, what is Positive Discipline?
The principles of this approach
Despite what many people think, the proposal is not based on letting children do whatever they want, however and whenever they want, but rather involves establishing a dialogue with them, teaching them limits without shouting, hitting, punishing or humiliating them, thus respecting their dignity .
This is one of the pillars of this approach: educating with respect, setting limits, developing an emotional bond and building a relationship of mutual trust . But this implies rethinking our behavioral patterns , because there is no point, for example, in asking a child to stop yelling if you usually yell at them, and at this point, self-control and self-knowledge also come into play, which we seek to build as educators within this approach.
The proposal also has as its principle understanding the needs of children behind each behavior . We can illustrate this with the famous situation in which a child throws a 'tantrum'. Normally we understand that the child is misbehaving and our first reaction is to fight with him/her, but we need to understand that he/she is learning to deal with his/her emotions and it is likely that at this moment he/she is not able to communicate what he/she is feeling, so we need to get out of this automatic mode and try to talk to him/her, welcoming and listening to what he/she has to say.
Jane Nelsen also points to the need to teach children social skills , such as understanding their own emotions to develop self-discipline and self-control, relating to others in an empathetic way, cooperating, negotiating and actively listening, being able to deal with limits and consequences responsibly, adapting when necessary, among many other skills that can be developed from this approach.
How can we use this approach in children's education?
There is no magic formula or manual that gives us a step-by-step guide on how to do it. We must keep in mind that Positive Discipline will not prevent problems from arising; in fact, it will help us deal with the difficulties that arise when we consider its principles, aligning our expectations with what our children can really offer us according to their age .
For example, when you set limits by imposing fear, you are not teaching the child what you would like them to learn , because when the child is scared, they defend themselves and tend to run away or face you, feeling insecure. This affects the child's self-esteem and weakens the relationship between them and the adult.
Instead, we could talk to the child, gently explaining why they won't be able to do what they would like to do. And it's very likely that they will start to cry, since crying is a way of expressing their feelings, and they are learning to deal with their emotions. In this situation, we can support the child by giving them a hug, listening to what they have to say, helping them to name what they are feeling (if they are frustrated, for example), teaching them the best way to deal with this feeling and, finally, helping them to focus on a possible solution, after having been supported.
This, contrary to what many people think, does not “reinforce bad behavior” , unless this is one of the few situations in which the child feels welcomed. If, on the contrary, the child is used to receiving affection and acceptance in other contexts, this attitude makes him feel loved, safe and respected, teaching him that his feelings matter and are validated and that he should focus on the solution and not on retribution (punishment). In addition, he also learns to see and care about the pain of others, thus helping him to develop social skills, such as empathy.
It is worth emphasizing that children learn a lot from the example we set for them, since our actions count much more than what we say . Therefore, if we want them to respect us and others, we need to be respectful towards them. Thus, this approach involves teaching children, exercising adult authority, but in a respectful and gentle way, avoiding authoritarian and punitive attitudes, always seeking to favor their learning, bringing quality impacts to child development.